Because I said so!

As a child/teenager, I hated those words. It seemed like I heard them all the time (probably only 4 or 5 times though) Whenever I asked WHY, I had to do something (e.g. wash dishes, cut grass, make my bed, etc.) I wasn't given an explanation, I was just told "because I said so."

Most often, these words came from my dad. I'm sure they came from mom on occasion, but I can't remember any specific case. Actually, I can't remember any specific case from my dad either, I just know I heard the words and grew to hate them. At some point, I decided - I'm never going to say that to my kids!

My first-born arrived in the early 1980's. My wife & I both had college education (which we thought was the answer to everything) and we agreed we would not use those words. We knew that we could work with our child, explain the reasons and come to a reasonable agreement on what could be done and what should be done. Those of you with children are laughing right now.

When it was time for bed, the question came out - "Why?" We explained why they needed sleep. "Why don't you go to bed?" Because I'm an adult. "Don't you need sleep?" Yes, but not as much.

Of course, the conversation went on. And it wasn't necessarily about bed. It was about any subject that came up. Eventually, I'd get tired and my answer was "Because I'm the Dad!" (it wasn't the words I'd sworn not to use, but it was close).

Eventually, I realized that some subjects couldn't be reasoned out. No amount of discussion was going to convince them that I was right. No amount of discussion was going to convince me that I was wrong. We didn't have to agree with each other, we just had to respect each other's positions and move on.

More on this subject next time...

Now why didn't I think of that?

As a parent, I always tried to get creative with punishment when the kids did something wrong. Slamming the door? Take the door off the hinges. Slam the lid on the toilet? Must need practice - raise and lower it 50 times - if it slams, start over. Forge a parent's signature on a paper? Lecture on forgery and the prison sentence followed by letter of apology to the teacher with signatures and counter-signatures (pretty tough on a 3rd grader).

Tonight, the television was on ABC when a comedy with Patricia Heaton "The Middle" came on. Being too lazy to find the remote, I let it stay there, after all, I think she's a good actress. Turns out the teenage boy was in trouble for saying he had gone to church, but instead going to the mall with a girl. Oooo. Big trouble, bad enough to lie, but to lie about church. Big trouble.

Dad came up with a punishment, the teenage boy had to stay within 5 feet of a parent at all times. Dad gets up to go to the fridge, teenage boy goes with him. Interesting part was when dad needed a shower, he suggested mom (who was at work) stay on the line with son (I guess 5 feet electronically was good enough). Mom said it was dad's punishment, make teenage son put on a bathing suit and go with dad.

Of course this would have been a problem for me with my girls, but I probably could have figured something out. "Excuse me daughter, can you hand me a pair of my underwear?"

I bet that would have prompted some obedience...

My newest granddaughter

Frequent readers of my blog may be experiencing a little deja vu or thinking "wait, Randy's rerunning blog posts." Quite the contrary, this is a NEW blogpost about a new granddaughter. Yes, I told you about Kayden back in December and Audry in January (actually came 12/31) and about Caroline a few weeks ago. Now, it's Anna Grace's turn.

Last night at around 8:45, Anna Grace made her entrance. She weighed 7,11 (Oh thank heaven!) and measured 20+3/4 inches long. She joins her three girl cousins (all 6 months old or younger) and her lone boy cousin (3 years old - details way back here).

Although I had nothing to do with the name choice, I think it's perfect. She will teach all of us, so much about God's grace.

Congratulations Adam & Emily, you have a beautiful little girl. And no idea what you have coming at you. (But I'll give you a hint - it's wonderful!)

For more information, see my wife's blog in one of her very infrequent blogposts.

Sweet Caroline - *updated*

No, I'm not talking about that song by Neil Diamond (which can be seen/heard here). I'm talking about my newest grand-daughter, Caroline Adair Beam. She was born early this morning (4:44am - that's easy to remember) and is my oldest daughter's first child. She came a little earlier than expected, weighing in at 6 pounds 8 ounces and measuring 18 inches.

Caroline joins her two newly born girl cousins Audry (detailed here) and Kayden Grace (detailed here) and will likely torment their 3 year old cousin Anthony (way back here). He's in for a mess between these three and another girl on the way (just hang on Anna Grace, your time's coming).

I will have to share this little girl with her paternal grandfather who is on a local talk-radio show. He & I tend to think in some similar ways, he was able to start playing the Neil Diamond song a few months ago when they chose the name. I may have him beat though, I think I still have the song on an 8-track tape somewhere.

For Caroline's dedication here, I'll use some of the words Neil Diamond wrote: "Sweet Caroline - good times never seemed so good." And when I see her, it will be "Hands, touchin hands - reachin out - touchin me - touchin you."

I'm also going to repeat what I said with some of the others - babies are a sign from God that He intends for the world to continue. A miracle from God, babies teach us so much. Caroline has the ability to teach her parents, her grand-parents, aunts and uncles. Or to be used by God to teach them.

It will be late this week before I get to see this beautiful child, I planned a full week out of town and can't back out of it. Congratulations Adam & Ashley! I know you will be great parents.

*Update* Caroline's paternal grandfather called into his radio program to announce her birth. But I scooped him here.

Randy's popularity is dropping

Well, it looks like my popularity is dropping. Or at least the popularity of my name. Seems the Social Security Administration has been tracking the popularity of names and you can find your name at this site.

Being adventurous, I looked at my name popularity over the last 50 years. You're given the rank in popularity from 1 to 1000. Looks like in 1958, my name was the 32nd most popular name. Comparatively, in 2008 (the most recent year reported), my rank was down to 301 (up from 321 in 2007).

So I did a little math and created a popularity index. The index will be a value from 0.1 to 100. Looks like 1959 was my best year (which happens to be the year I was born, so I guess mom & dad inflated the number that year). But no matter how you look at the chart above, looks like I'm headed downhill.

My kids aren't helping much, I had two grandchildren born in December and two more due in June (with one threatening to make an early appearance). But all four of these are girls, not much chance for a "Randy" in the bunch.

So, it sounds like it's time for a new "rule" from me to my kids. From now on, you are only allowed to have BOYS and you MUST name them "Randy". Even if you have more than one, after all if George Foreman can name all his kids George, you can name all of your kids "Randy." And remember, you do this because "I'm the Dad."

Innovative Discipline

Ok, this lady in New York might have stepped over the line. Seems her two kids were fighting in the back seat, so she pulled over and put them out. One of them caught up with her and got back in, but the 10 year old was left stranded. A passerby picked up the young girl and took her to the police station.

When the mom contacted police to report the 10 year old missing, she was arrested for "endangering the welfare of a child." Maybe there was more to the story.

But it made me think, what innovative discipline techniques have I used? I know that I DID indeed pull the car over to give my kids a spanking (my daughter said more than once). I supposed in some books that would be child abuse.

One of my favorites (I stole from a caller to Dr. Laura) was taking the bedroom door off the hinges when one of my girls slammed the door (she was warned of the specific consequences before it happened). She changed in the bathroom and lived without a door for a week.

Another discipline was for locking the bedroom door. After explaining to my son for the 100th (hyperbole here) time that he wasn't supposed to do this, I quietly turned the door knob around so he could no longer lock me out. I was tempted on more than one occasion to lock him in, but never gave into the temptation. After a couple of weeks, he quietly put the doorknob back, but he didn't lock himself in any more (at least for a while).

Probably the most questionable thing I did was for sticking the tongue out at the table. Having just seen a Star Wars movie with Obie Wan Kenobe and Jar-Jar Binks, I knew what to do. I challenged her to do it again. When she did, I moved with Jedi speed and grabbed her tongue before she could pull it back in her mouth. I don't recall the exact response, but I'm sure surprise was involved. And I recall she never stuck her tongue out at us again (at least not where I could grab it).

So what innovative discipline techniques have you seen or used?

Two funny stories from school

Both of these are true stories, I have to protect the sources. But both were relayed directly to me from an inside source.

First a middle school kid was suspended for two days. The reason why isn't important, the father emailed the teacher and told her he was very disappointed. Seems the young lad (middle school) had been having problems so the father had him write an 1800 word essay on discipline and the consequences of suspension.

What makes this funny is that my kids think I'm the only one that does this kind of stuff.

Second is a high school kid in a government class. The discussion today centered on Governor Blagojevich being accused of selling President Obama's Senate Seat. This high school senior said he thought it was fine. After every one expressed their surprise, he pointed out that they are selling pens used by Obama and papers, why not sell his seat too? (This kid is a football player, but unfortunately, he's not THAT good).

Happy New Year!

Wow! What a way to bring in the New Year. My youngest daughter, who was (past tense) about 9 months pregnant had a doctor's appointment early New Year's Eve day. Just a status check, but after a few false alarms they were anticipating setting a date for inducing the labor process. Much to every one's surprise, they chose to induce IMMEDIATELY.

The night before, my son-in-law had experienced a lot of pain due to an infected tooth. So he had decided to sleep through the appointment. Zoom, off goes mom-to-be to the hospital (actually, she already was a mom - see here for her son's announcement 3 years ago). I was nominated to pick up my son-in-law to take him to the hospital. To make a long story short, we got to the hospital in plenty of time to witness the birth of a 9 pound 3 ounce little girl, Audry Dyann.

Late that night, my son-in-law had to go the ER. Funny thing, no dentists are open on New Year's Eve. So, I was nominated to sit with him until the ER docs could give him some anti-biotics and pain medicine.

We've spent the first few days of this year starting the spoiling process, a job we expect to continue for years to come. Audry joins her cousin Kayden Grace (see here) and both bring their parents a 2008 tax deduction. (Way to go girls!)

Audry, welcome to the world. In June, you will be joined by two new cousins. You will always be able to say you're a year older than them.

My first granddaughter

What a busy week. I took a short trip (2 nights) to New York. On Thursday, I flew back to find out that our oldest daughter was going to the hospital in Raleigh to have her baby. I flew into Charlotte, so rather than drive to Greenville (home) I decided to drive to Raleigh. However, I had barely gotten off the airport property when my wife called me and she had car problems. I drove an hour to pick her up, only to travel the same roads back on my way to Raleigh. We arrived in Raleigh about midnight and went to our daughters apartment to sleep for the night (trusting that nothing would happen that night).

Early Friday morning we went to the hospital and spent the day waiting. Then about 8pm, she went in for a c-section. At 8:13, Kayden Grace was born. She weighed in a 9 pounds, 9 ounces and measured 21+3/4 inches long. Now that's a big baby. What I don't understand is that they measured her head at 14 centimeters. Why is the head measured in centimeters and the length in inches? Is this done to confuse the baby, parents and grand parents? Seems like a communist plot to me.

We've spent to weekend starting the spoiling process. This is the God given job of all grand-parents, that along with trying to outdo the other grandparents. We're starting out strong.

This is our second grandchild, the first girl. It's also the first in this "batch", we have another due later this month and two more in June. Hopefully, they will all be spaced out a couple weeks from each other so that Grandma gets to help when they first come home from the hospital. I like the idea of having them in batches, I'll have to encourage the kids to plan this way for the next batch.

When our grandson was born (see here), I said "babies were a sign from God that he intended for the world to continue. A miracle from God, babies teach us so much." Kayden Grace can teach her parents and grandparents all about love once again.

Welcome to the world Kayden. Audry, it's almost your turn.

Lots of children, lots of children

This Thanksgiving, my daughter announced that she has something new to be thankful about, she is now expecting a baby. That means that I now am expecting FOUR new grandchildren in the next 6+ months.

As it says on the right side of this page, my wife and I have five children between us. The oldest is expecting a little girl THIS FRIDAY. We'll wait and see the actual date. (No rushing). The youngest daughter is also expecting a little girl, the due date is a little fuzzy. Sometime between December 16 and January 1 is our best guess (I really wish they would schedule these things).

Sandwiched in between those are our other daughter (the one who just announced) due on June 6 and our oldest son's wife due June 17. The gender of these last two is yet to be determined.

We're all excited and can't believe that we are so blessed. My youngest son, took in the news and after pondering for a bit said "I'm the only one who's not expecting a baby". At 18 and still in school, I told him he could wait a while.

Where were you 25 years ago today?

Most of you can't remember (or weren't even born then). But I remember well.

I have to go back to the night before, around 6 or 7pm. I think it was a Tuesday night, but I can't be sure. I do remember my wife and I were eating at Quincy's. She was already one day past her due date (our first) and three days away from when they said they would induce labor (my wife had some mild toxemia, mostly under control, but her blood pressure was rising).

We were standing in line to order our steaks when she turned to me and said she thought she was in labor. Being the sensitive husband I am, I said we should hurry and eat, so we didn't miss out on a steak. One mistake: she told her mother (the worry-wart) she thought she was in labor. More on that later.

Of course, we had to wait until her contractions were under 5 minutes apart. So, after dinner we headed home and began timing contractions. Rather than argue about when the last one was, I wrote down the time of each one. We began playing cards and doing other things to take her mind off of it and I'm still certain to this day that she missed a few contractions.

Also, several of my friends had recently gone through false alarms. Their wives' would say they were in labor and they would rush to the hospital only to be turned away. One co-worker went through this 3 nights in a row. I was convinced my wife would do this to me just out of spite.

Anyway, later in the night/morning, the contractions got within 5 minutes. Actually, they stuck at 6 minutes, then jumped to 4 minutes. Boy was I scared. She needed to give me more notice than that. So, at about 4am, we called the doctor, I emailed my co-workers and we headed to the hospital. I was still convinced we'd be back home later that morning. At the hospital, I was ushered into a waiting room while the doctor checked on her. About 15 minutes, later I approached a nurse and asked the status. I was told that they were going to prep her and get her to a room.

Innocent, and unknowing, I asked "Does that mean you're going to keep her?" Well, to make a long story short, within about 8 hours of hospital time, my wife gave birth to a little girl. Not so little, 8 lbs 15 + 1/2 ounces. So 25 years ago today, I greeted my little girl into our family. Happy Birthday Ashley. It's been a wonderful quarter century, looking forward to the next 25.

Oh, as for my mother-in-law the worrier. In the morning (while we were at the hospital delivering a baby) she tried to call us. Of course we didn't answer, so she called the hospital. All they would tell her was that she had been admitted, but no details. She called my coworkers. They told her what they knew, which was nothing. She called my coworkers several times. Finally, one suggested that she call the fathers' waiting room.

When she called the fathers' waiting room, a nice man put her on hold and went to find me. When he got back he told her he had spoken to me and I would call her as soon as it was over. She felt so much better. I never met the man and I certainly didn't speak to him, but I'm glad she felt better.

Happy Birthday Ashley!

The Family Man

Last night the movie The Family Man came on and my son (age 17) wanted to watch it. I think he had it confused with another movie, but he watched it anyway. I think I had seen it before on VHS tape.

The movie is a twist on "It's a Wonderful Life" or "Scrooge" and made me wonder exactly how many movies are made with that general theme - - give someone a glimpse of what their life might have been. In Science Fiction, we'd talk about a parallel universe or time travel. The movie gave Jack Campbell (played by Nicholas Cage) a good view of what might have been. It reminded me of Jimmy Stewart's character in a way, Jack Campbell was an enormous success who prided himself that he could buy anything he wanted. The alternate lifestyle Jack was in the center of middle class, two kids, a mini-van and 10+ years left on a mortgage. Without giving away any secrets, Jack does come to realize the difference between the two lives and is faced with some difficult decisions.

Jack's wife is played by Tea Leoni. I am amazed at how little this beautiful woman has done. I thought I had seen her in several movies, but looking at her filmography on www.imdb.com shows surprisingly few movies. I guess she just stands out so much.

The Family Man is a good movie. It's rated PG-13, the TV version was of course much tamer. The website www.kids-in-mind.com gives the movie a profanity score of 5 out of 10, a sex/nudity rating of 4 and a violence/gore rating of 3. Overall, I'm surprised it was rated PG-13 instead of PG.

Overall, the movie is very good and rates high with me. It's not deep or anything, just a good flick.

P.S. For those who've never used www.kids-in-mind.com, I highly recommend the website. They give a very accurate representation of most movies and give a consistent score. While I feel like they are somewhat strict (this coming from a conservative), they explain their ratings and give details of why they are valid. You, the reader, can decide to agree or disagree. For example, they will explain the number of times you see cleavage (or more) and decide if it's important. Much more details that MPAA ratings.

Texas Student Booted - Follow-up

Several days ago, I posted an entry titled Texas Student Booted from School for Wearing John Edwards T-Shirt. In the post, I said “the question becomes, does the school district have the right (or responsibility) to restrict the clothes worn in order to keep the peace in school?” I sided with the schools.

I generated a couple of responses and promised to do more research. Special thanks to David and Tom who made me think (something that hasn’t happened outside of work in a while). This post will be long, I apologize but ask you to read it in full. Dissenting comments are welcome and expected.

While I have: 1) spent a lot of time in research and thought, 2) taken one (business) law course and 3) stayed at a Holiday Inn Express once or twice, any attempt to use this post for legal advice should be considered foolish. Or, if you use any arguments here in a bar and get into a fight, please don’t sue me.

Here’s a rough outline of my post, First, I will cover stare decis. It’s painfully long, but important. My second point will look quickly at some points on this specific case, along with points from cases that are similar. Finally, I will wrap up with my opinion and some supporting information.

Stare Decis
It’s important to understand a little bit about American law. Much to the disdain of my more conservative friends, criminal law in the US is based not only on the constitution and legislative laws, but also based on previous decisions. A policy of “stare decis” (I love speaking Latin) applies in the courts. Literally, this is translated “to stand by things decided.” It means that the courts recognize that prior court decisions must be recognized as precedents.

In cases involving the Constitution, the Court has often overruled its earlier decisions. For example, in the years 1946–1992, the U.S. Supreme Court reversed itself in about 130 cases (according to Wikipedia – not always the best source, but usually good).

In his confirmation hearing, Judge Clarence Thomas said “Stare decisis provides continuity to our system, it provides predictability, and in our process of case-by-case decision-making, I think it is a very important and critical concept. (This was in a response to Sen. Strom Thurmond, my SC senator for roughly 100 years).

But Thomas hasn’t always followed precedence. Judge Scalia has said "Clarence Thomas doesn't believe in stare decisis, period. If a constitutional line of authority is wrong, he would say, let’s get it right." Thomas would rather go against a previous ruling than continue a mistake. The judicial oath requires loyalty to the Constitution, rather than to precedence. Stare decisis is not mandated by the Constitution (again, thanks to Wikipedia).

Specific cases
I found a variety of cases regarding schools and enforcement of dress code. Nearly all focused on the student’s freedom of speech vs the school’s requirements for peace. Tom mentioned a benchmark case (Tinker vs Des Moines School District) where students wore black arm bands to protest the Vietnam War. The courts said that the school could not limit the students’ rights to free speech unless that speech constituted a “material disruption.”

Many cases go back to this 1969 decision. When looking at this specific case (Texas/Edwards t-shirt) it should be noted that the school district dress code prohibits all writing or slogans on student clothing except for “school spirit” slogans and “university logos.” The legal question would be: Does this school’s dress code meet the Tinker criteria – does the t-shirt create a “material disruption?”

The courts have decided that age of the student makes a difference. In Baxter v. Vigo County School Corp., the courts ruled that elementary school students' rights were not violated when students were disciplined for wearing expressive T-shirt reading: "Unfair Grades" and "Racism". The court concluded that the students failed to demonstrate the right to wear expressive T-shirts while in school. The court indicated that age can be a relevant factor in assessing the extent of a student's free speech rights.

In my words, elementary age students have no freedom of speech. (oops opinion slipping in too quickly)

Not only can age be a factor, but community standards can also influence school policy. In Hines v. Caston School Corp. the court noted that The court noted that evidence was presented that the enforcement of a strict dress code was a factor in improving students' attitudes toward school, and that this change in attitude had led to improvements in school attendance, drop-out rates, and academic performance.

The court stated that a community's schools be permitted to reflect its values. The court also said that "it is a valid educational function to instill discipline and create a positive educational environment by means of a reasonable, consistently applied dress code."

In my words, the courts saw value in dress code.

The same held true in a 1987 Illinois case prohibiting male students from wearing earrings as part of an effort to curb the presence and influence of gangs in the school. In this case, the school provided substantial evidence of gang presence and activity and resulting violence in its schools. The court upheld the policy, concluding that the Board's concern for the safety and well-being of its students and the curtailment of gang activities was rational and did not violate the First Amendment. (Oleson v. Board of Education of School District No. 228)

But the courts have not always supported a dress code. In California (where else?) in 1993 students filed and won a lawsuit against a dress code that prohibited clothing identifying any professional sports team or college. The court ruled that the policy violated the student’s First Amendment free speech rights. (Jeglin v. San Jacinto Unified School District)

And in a 1992 case in Oklahoma case, the courts held that the dress code was unconstitutionally applied to students when the district banned T-shirts with advertisements for alcoholic beverages. The school district failed to meet its burden of proof that the T-shirt message in question would be perceived as an advertisement for alcoholic beverages or that it would result in substantial disruption to the school. (McIntire v. Bethel Sch.)

Probably the most recent case was the “Bong Hits 4 Jesus” (2007). Seems a young man created a sign with the aforementioned slogan and held it at a school-sanctioned event (students were let out of class and accompanied by their teachers). He was suspended for 10 days for promoting illegal drug use. The courts ruled his rights were not violated and his banner was “sophomoric”.

Opinion
So, staring in the face of stare decis (sorry couldn't resist), precedence going both ways, how should this case be settled? The courts have ruled both ways depending on whether or not they see a need for the policy. If it disrupts school, leads to gang violence or drugs is against community standards or if the children are young, the courts have upheld dress codes.

On the other hand, they have often torn down dress codes in the spirit of free speech. There’s no telling which way the court will rule here IF (big if) the people involved appeal. I wouldn't bet one way or the other.

My opinion remains the same. I side with the schools. If they have a policy against political comments on t-shirts, they should enforce it. Students who violate the policy should be disciplined.

If an individual is concerned about free speech, they should go to the school board meeting and voice their concern (no evidence that this was done in this case). If the school board fails to respond, a lawsuit could be filed WITHOUT disrupting school. You may argue that this shouldn’t disrupt schools, but it will. The teacher involved and the principal will have to decide whether to enforce the rules as handed to them, or violate them (and risk their jobs). Students will begin to lose respect for the system as a whole.

It’s possible to effect change within the system.

Thanks for reading this entire note. Special thanks again to Tom and David for making me think.

What part of "until death do you part" can you ignore?

A friend is going through some major problems in his marriage. It's hard to get the facts, but he's asked her to leave (several times) and she just might take him up on it. She's making a "Plan B" kind of plan and making sure there's somewhere to go.

Oddly enough, I think their marriage is salvageable. He needs to swallow his pride and admit his mistakes (of which there are plenty) and she needs to not get historical about them. And she needs to search her soul and find her mistakes (women are always subtle about their mistakes) and he needs to let her do the searching.

It seems that divorce is never (or seldom) clean. There's not a single incident that you can point to and say "that's what caused the divorce." Let's home in this case, they don't get that far. To borrow a line from a friends recent blog post, let's hope they "stay together for the kids."